Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Facebook Memo

This perhaps is the funniest thing I've read all month...
       If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses

I must have missed the memo, lost among the other phases I bypassed, i.e. boy-crazy, love of malls, love of drinking, and fascination with reality TV. I’m sure there was a memo: “Don’t delay! Facebook is only way to survive in the world!”

To be fair, I do have an account, set up years ago by my hipper, cooler sibling.  And there are the occasional thrills of reconnecting with friends or seeing new baby photos from a long-distance birth. I do post links to my writing, just in case it slips onto the screen of a new fan.

However, this is where my use abruptly halts.  I have no desire to join the bandwagon of daily status updates:

8 am: am walk...yawn...still waking up
8:05: nice poop Gracie. Good Girl!!!
8:30: still grey outside
8:40: vacuuming...
9 am: mail time!

Really? Would anyone’s day be enriched by this extra special glimpse into my life? Or was that just 10 seconds of your life you’ll never get back?

Then there are the late night musings I’ve read, which I have at various moments related to, but now would spur me to enact a “No posting after midnight” statute.
1 am: pondering point of it all...rooftop is looking good
1:05: or just a bottle of tequila.
1:06: hate my life

Thank goodness I’m never reading these in real-time as I’d opt for dialing 911 over the usual comments I normally see:
            RS: what’s up?
            TZ: sooooo with u!

Moving on, I do have a number of Facebook friends. Some actually people I see in the flesh or at least know the sound of their voice, and the rest are “friends”. Try explaining that: well, mostly they’re my friends from the past but we don’t really ever get together or talk or basically we say hi and then I’m privy to all of their updates, photos, ‘likes’ and links...think voyeuristic without the creepy pedophilic undertones. And you can be ‘de-friended’ on the heels of an argument, flinging you back to the high school pettiness of “we don’t like her today”.  Or if you prefer, you can trade a friend in for a virtual hamburger, which is only slightly more insulting.

Which brings me to my personal favorite: the Facebook gift.  Over the past months, I have received, plants, bumper stickers, roses, teddy bears, and I believe a pasta dinner – none of which I could smell, cuddle, or taste, begging the question, what the hell is the point? Just for the record, in case you were wondering come birthday/Hanukah/just because I love you, I choose items that don’t rely on an Internet connection.

So all in all, I’m just a Facebook lost cause.  I enjoy the ease of keeping in touch and the always-accessible ocean of connections, but the rest of the territory remains unexplored. 

Of course this is all ridiculously ironic should you be reading this from my link I posted on Facebook...ah, I get lost in my own hypocrisy! 

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