Wednesday, January 8, 2014

House Lust

My apartment finally feels like a home - at least inside the walls. Yet, a sad disappointment of what i was actually looking for.  I need outdoor space to garden and a yard where i'm allowed to leave out a chair.  I want to sunbath with my puppy in the morning rather than sit inside because I have no patio.  We'll skill complaining about schlepping laundry and heavy groceries up the never-ending flight of stairs and glide right into the drawers that don't glide at all, or the nonworking deadbolt, sure to ease parental anxieties.

Regardless, is it worth packing up this place that I just spent two months perfecting? Is it worth the hassle of getting out of my lease? It might be a xanax-craving event but would it be worth it?

That answer is clear.  As long as I can remember, its that one question that strikes panic in my heart.  "What are your dreams? What are your goals? What do you want to do with this life?"

AAAAHHHHH. Time to hide under the covers.  How did i miss that class? Where was I when they taught dream creation? How is it that i draw a blank when it comes to dreams and aspirations? What is wrong with me that i don't have a burning passion to be something, go somewhere, accomplish some great feat? I don't itch to travel or yearn to do any profession that offers an income seeing as what I love more than anything is writing, and that's not such a great monetary 5 year plan.

My answer to the dreaded question? There is only one and it's remained steadfast for as long as I can remember. I yearn to own a home.

A sanctuary I can create with produce planted lovingly from the garden and hand-tended jasmine lining my walls.  I drool over a sun soaked backyard where I can write and play in the grass with my puppy.  I ache to paint walls without wondering if its worth it since i'm just going to have to paint them back white when I move, or be able to mount my tv on the wall without worrying about repairing the damage when my lease is up.  Staunchly against reality television, I've crossed over to the dark side when it comes to "love it or list it", "house hunters" and "property brothers", sure that i'm now fully qualified to just knock down that wall and rip up the old carpet to reveal gorgeous hardwood floors.

My one and only dream is to own a home of my own, my security insurance policy and the sense of grounding that occurs knowing I have a place to call home for forever.

Home is my safety zone - where i get to shrug off labels, expectations, facades and stiff jeans and ease into pjs and exhale. Rooms filled with meaningful objects and set up exactly to my liking allow my eyes to rest anyway and still feel an unmatched sense of peace.

It's not the same renting a one bedroom apartment. Not the same when your music competes with the neighbor's tv, and i worry about the noise from playing fetch with Gracie for my downstairs friends.  Not the same when you must become a quarter whore for laundry or park in an alley behind your building. Forbidden from painting, planting, and upgrading, i'm left feeling like a house guest, powerless to do any improvements other than replacing the faucet head of my sink.

Perhaps its stupid, but even just walking to my own mailbox where i could actually send and not just receive mail makes me smile.

I'm a nester.  I can't help it.  I arrived in phoenix at 7:40 last night and by 8:04 was fully unpacked and transformed the room into my own.  I can't help it. It's something about belonging, finding space to breathe, and the calmness that ensures from everything in it's rightful place.

At heart, i'm a small town girl ironically living in LA. I was happier living in Buffalo Gap, middle of nowhere texas, pop. 637 including the actual buffalo i lived next to. With its two restaurants, one movie theater, and 24-hour walmart, i was perfectly happy and entertained. I like the quiet life, living outside and spending days with the sunshine, friends, and my four-legged shadow.

So that's it. I might wish to publish a book or expand my professional organizing business. It'd be nice to travel to luxerious beaches or explore foreign lands.

But ask me what I ache for? There's only one answer.

A home-base to call my own.

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