I regret to inform you that your services are no longer required and your dismissal is effective immediately upon receipt. I recognize that you have been a loyal employee for over twenty years, and subsequently have put together a generous severance package to help you transition into new employment.
Your severance package includes:
- 60 days of comprehensive criticism including your appearance, your ability to succeed, your so-called talents, and defining traits.
- Daily doubts about prior decisions, future decisions, and the possibility of ever being able to opt for one toothpaste over its competition without a lengthy inner debate – available to be extended for the length of one year
- A sum of self-mistrust and disregard resulting in dismissal of inner intuition or wisdom not to exceed moderate agony
- Twenty hours of emotional abuse following interactions with friends to be spent dissecting comments and analyzing relationships. These hours must result in the inevitable conclusion that you are not a good enough friend.
- An abundant supply of guilt to be dispensed immediately after all communications with parental figures, relatives, authority figures, and others you love and care about. You may elect any or all of the following guilt options:
1. Not being cheerful enough
2. Not being patient enough
3. Not being flexible enough
4. Worrying parents for no good reason
5. Complaining without offering hope
6. Being a burden
7. Not answering all calls/texts/emails promptly enough to ensure complete love and devotion
8. Not adequately conveying respect, love, and devotion
9. Not being a good enough daughter/sister/cousin/niece/neighbor/friend/dog-owner
10. Other: ________________
11. All of the above
- My proprietary application, compatible with all electronic programs, which you may keep as a token of my gratitude. This unique Dismissal app will simultaneously whisper doubts and criticism in your ear while convincing you that others’ compliments are obligatory and false. Your training and services as Inner Critic have helped develop this gadget and I believe it is only fair that you receive one of the early models.
- 20 self-destructive habits or overwhelming fears of your choice to be withdrawn either as a lump sum or in monthly installments. These habits and fears may be considered payment for the seductive criticisms and manipulative brainwashing that you have excelled at during your employment here. You may choose from the following list:
o Fear of abandonment
o Fear of being smothered in relationships
o Fear of growing-up
o Complete dependence on others
o Drug addiction
o Obsessive cleaning
o Spending splurges
o Anorexic spending
o Compulsive need for approval
o Idiotic people-pleasing
o Repeated volunteering for pain
o Refusal to learn life lessons and the subsequent repeating of said lessons
o Fear of failure
o Fear of success
o Fear of death
o Fear of living a meaningless life
o Fear of fear
* Please note: should you come up with other fears and destructive behaviors, you may substitute them for items on this list. Also, you are not limited to only 20 – please feel free to adopt more than the required minimum.
You have been a diligent and faithful employee with near perfect attendence and frustrating loyalty. Despite my current perspective, I am aware that there was a time we both believed you were a crucial asset to the company, and so I thank you for your devastating efforts. As an Inner Critic, you surpassed all expectations and can be proud of your ability to dole out cutting comments, debilitating doubts, and scathing self-hatred.
I have decided to dissolve the position of Inner Critic in alignment with my mission statement:
Life will be lived day by day in accordance with the principles of honesty, integrity, and love. Relationships are treasured and I treat myself with kindness. Previous use of doubt, guilt, harsh criticism and approval seeking will be discontinued. Success will therefore be defined by the presence of laughter, gratitude, steps taken toward dreams and the ability to stand up after a fall. Faith, optimism, confidence and self-acceptance compose the operating life platform.
Should you have any further questions or burning criticisms about my abilities and value as a human being, please contact my attorney at 1-800-IGNOREU, as I will no longer be answering your calls.
With chilly regards,
Lauren Bottner, Inc.