Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Register Now: Human Obedience Classes

If I just lean down casually, she won’t notice.  Oh, yes, she’s not looking…just one more inch under this bush…Yes! Jackpot! Ok, now be cool, be cool.  Okay, this is great! Stay two steps behind her and I'm sure she won’t notice this entire pizza crust I'm carrying back home. Oh, it’s gonna be good.  This is way better than carrot sticks and dry dog food.  Unbelievable! This is the best walk ever…Uh oh, I think she noticed.  Quick, duck behind this blade of grass. She’s not that smart. I think I can outfox her…Nope…nope…She’s coming right for the pizza crust! Mayday! Mayday! I’d like to report a mugging on Robertson. Pizza crust stolen right out from under my nose by tall lady pretending to give me kisses while prying my jaws open! 911! Crisis!!

I wonder how she does it, so calm and collected.  Steering me right back to that apartment with murmurs of excitement and praise. She gets me every time.  Somehow I get sucked into her coaxing and forget that just a few feet away, there are bushes and trees and dirt and leaves! And sometimes, if I stall long enough, there is another human being!!! New smells and patting lying there for the taking! She doesn’t even seem to care! I know she says she loves me, but tossing the stuffed giraffe down the apartment hall isn’t quite the same as spilled milk mixed with old socks and dry weeds! But here we are again, lying on the couch.  Maybe if I stare at her long enough, she’ll crack.  She’s quite a sucker for my puppy dog eyes, and if I just lick her nose sweetly and wag my tail, I know I can win her over. Hummm…oh wait…I recognize that sound…I think…Yes! The fridge is opening! Ooh!! This is my big chance! I foresee cheese or turkey or…wait! What are you doing? I'm standing right here! How could you not see my nose in the crisper drawer?? What are you doing closing the fridge? Oh I get it, you get something tasty to eat and what am I, chopped liver? I see how it is.  Uh huh, yeah, don’t tell me you love me. If you loved me, you’d share whatever it is that you’re dipping your spoon into…no? Well, then I'm just going to go sit over here in the corner until you feel adequately guilty for my neglect. Yup, you missed your chance.  The puppy love is on hiatus.

Hold on.  I take it back.  It’s been five seconds and I'm over it now! I'm sorry.  Here, see. I’ll come burrow into your armpit so you know we’re friends again.  Seriously, I'm all yours.  Really, I totally forgive you for sending me to get shaved yesterday and then spilling salad dressing on my head.  Absolutely over that time on our walk where you wouldn’t let me sniff the 167th bush.  Totally fine with the dry dog food and stuffed animal fetch.  See? I'm irresistible! Look how cute I am! Are you noticing this belly just begging to be rubbed? Aaah…thank you. 

Yup, I'm thinking she’s pretty well trained.  There’s still some work to be done in the area of treat-giving, and some tricks for her to master, but she’s a smart one, that tall girl of mine.  I think she’ll be just fine after a few more training classes. 

Still, I can’t believe she got that pizza crust! Ok, Gracie. Note to self: eat pizza crust on site. Reject the urge to save for later.  Everybody knows pizza mixed with grass tastes much better anyway!

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